I had a great opportunity the other day. I went to Tucson with a friend of mine who works at Fuller Theological Seminary Southwest. I got to spend time with her and encourage others to go to seminary in general and Fuller in particular. Overall it was wonderful, but one part captured my nostalgia and reminded me of what a long journey becoming a pastor truly has been.

We spent Tuesday night with the Presbyterian Campus Ministry group at the University of Arizona.

Different School. Different decade. Different denomination.

Yet so many things were the same.

The enthusiasm, the passion, the talents and abilities that come out so strongly when young people are not only able to, not only encouraged to, but expected to lead.

Watching the girl who provided an amazing meal, the young woman who was so refreshingly childlike in her acceptance and ability to make people feel welcome and at home, the boys goofing around during dinner change into men as they set up for worship and sat down to lead the music, reminded me of my days at Lutheran Campus Ministry of Northern Arizona University.

Yet there was more than the personalities, activities, and actions that called out to me and my memory. There was an intangible feeling among the relationships that we witnessed. A sense of community, of mutual understanding, of love, that I instantly felt connected to. As if I belonged there. As if I had never left my campus ministry.

We can claim it is that sense of nostalgia. We can pass it off as a similar setting, situation, or climate. Some might even claim it is a desire to recapture a youth that I left behind upon graduating in 1997.

The truth however, is so much stronger than any of that. The truth is that it is the Spirit running through that group of people that I responded to. It was the familiarity of the Body of Christ that called out to me. It was that immediate recognition that these young men and woman are a small representation of the amazing potential, the shining future, and the undying HOPE that lies within any Christian community that shares the highs and lows of life together.

It was truly a privilege to watch so many young Christians gather as they embark on a life of serving God and each other, while they find a way to take that into the world.

So I have been mulling over this for months.

It will never reach the perfected humor that I would love to achieve, but oh well.

Here are my thoughts on life as a rural pastor.

You know you are a rural pastor when...

... you receive roasts as appreciation for the job you are doing. And yes, I mean the raw cuts of meat from an animal (in my case a lovely pork loin roast).

... the season's are marked as, planting, growing, harvesting, and hunting.

... worship services are planned around milking times.

... snowmobiles only strike you as an unusual mode of transportation to church when the morning kill is strapped to the back.

... service is canceled because the people can't get out of their driveways (whether or not it actually snowed during the night).

... you are encouraged to offer tractor blessings (and even exorcisms if needed ;).

.... you need a 4-wheel drive to make it to half your congregations homes if there is any ice, snow, rain, or mud (see entry from March 17, 2010).

... lunch

is any sort of sweet accompanied by coffee before, during, or after a meeting.

... pudding mixed with crushed cookies counts as a salad (much to the delight of children everywhere).

... the local convenience store/gas pump also has the spare keys to the church building.

... the mayor of the town plows your driveway every time it snows.

... the local newspaper will announce when you arrive, when you appear at events, when you have company, if you end up with a speeding ticket, and when you leave. (Note that I did NOT end up with a speeding ticket!)

... it is as likely to see a tractor parked in front of a store as any other vehicle.

... people welcome you into their hearts, homes, and lives with warmth and caring. (Okay, and with a little bit of a knowing smile waiting for the 'city pastor' to do something a little crazy.)

My time in southwest

Minnesota was truly fantastic. I enjoyed living in a rural setting, and getting to know some very wonderful people. I was blessed to be able to have an internship that was so encouraging.

Please comment if you have other instances to add!

Hello.

It has been a long time, I know.

I have missed writing and hearing from those of you who respond.

You might then ask, 'Well why have you not posted then?'

I could give you a lot of reasons, chief of which would of course be that I have been busy. True of course, but not the whole truth.

The whole truth goes beyond one concrete reason. It is a nebulous blur of semi-conscious reasons ranging from not knowing what to write, being apprehensive about the end of internship that was looming ever close, and being truly overwhelmed by the unknown future lying ahead.

Have you ever faced a time in life like that? Where certainty of anything lies just beyond your grasp.

For me that feeling began around June. The close of my time in Southwestern Minnesota was less than three months away, and any thoughts of the future seemed slightly debilitating. Something had to give. that something turned out to be the conscious processing of my time as an intern that writing this blog required.

Now as I look back on it, I plan on going back and reviewing that time with you.

It ended very much as it began. Full of warmth, support, and knowledge that God had surely placed me there for that time. It was a wonderful experience, and one that I will always be grateful for having.

I now look toward the future, slightly more than anxious to learn where God will place me for my first call. I invite you to join me on that journey as well.

And I ask that you forgive the lapse of communication!

For now, be blessed!

I've been growing things.

You wouldn't know it to look at my 'garden', which is momentarily home to a lone little cherry tomato plant still boldly growing next to the remains of three sadly departed cucumber plants and lying 15 feet away from three struggling strawberry plants.

But truly I have been growing things. They are all inside the house. Safe in little peat pots, hidden from the brutal wind and scorching sun.

I have been watching these things all grow from seeds into little plants. I am fascinated by the whole process. Particularly the way each seed (regardless of what it is, avocado, basil, pepper, chili, bean, broccoli, spinach, or carrot) sprout in the same way. For days there was nothing to see while roots spread out, and then suddenly, a hint of green, and by the next day two little leaves were poking out of the soil on a stem that seems to fragile to support even one leaf let alone two, yet there they are. Two little leaves branching out from the root to reach out to the world and gather the sunlight.

I'm too scared to plant all these little growing things in the garden. It's so safe in the house. Outside in the little patch of ground that I inevitably forget about, how will they survive? In the house, on my kitchen table, I can't help but remember them.

But everyday they grow more, and that growth allows them to lean even more to the outside world that waits, and the sun that lives there beckoning to these fragile little green things. They need to be planted. They need to spread roots and reach their leaves further up into the sky.

I'm encouraged by the fields I pass day after day. Watching dirt suddenly erupt into thousands of tiny little plants with two little leaves reaching out, facing the wind, the sun, the animals. It is what they are meant to do. The fields give me hope that my little plants will survive in my little garden. Despite me.

There is something else I have seen. Now maybe it is just the fact that I have been trying to think of a way to preach on the Trinity all week, but I am struck at how each plant begins in the same way. Roots, stem, and those two little leaves.

Now I am not one to try to find a metaphor for the Trinity in everything from water, to life roles, to plants be it apples, clovers, or newly sprouted seeds. However, what has struck me is how essential the idea of three parts really is in our world. Of course that is why so many of the natural worlds phenomena have lent themselves to be models in our attempt to explain this complex understanding of God. So many things in the world have three parts, or three states; peel, flesh, seed; core, mantle, crust; solid, liquid, vapor.

The natural world is not the only place we see this occur either. Think of how many of our relationships exist in this pattern. Father, mother, child. Student, teacher, parent(s). Wife, Husband, God.

There is something about three parts making up a whole that makes it so much stronger, so much more able to face adversity, strife, and difficulty. Like my little plants, the three parts help it be grounded, upright, and reaching out and up to the sky, without fear of the wind overcoming the whole of it.

None of these things is a perfect model of the Trinity of course. After all, if I would have to hazard a guess, I would say that our creator modeled this idea of three parts making up the whole, three beings forming one relationship, from the pre-existence of the Trinity and the communion that had always been.

"I still have many things to tell you, but you cannot bear them now." These are the words Jesus speaks in John 16:12. There is so much that we can not bear or understand now. Yet we struggle and grapple and fight with it all anyway. We try so hard to understand this idea of Trinity that I think we fail to recognize that anything we grasp hold of to illustrate it will always pale in comparison, because they are only reflections of the original. Human kind wants to know, to understand, to have the control over it by having the knowledge of it all. It is so hard to let it go of the need to put our heads around the knowledge and just accept what is.

Well my little plants have to be put into the ground. I have to trust that God created them in a way that will enable them to survive in the environment they were meant to live in.

As for preaching on the Trinity? I suppose my message is less one of trying to understand, and more one of living into the blessing we have in Gd who can relate to us in three such unique ways, and who cares enough about us to do so.

'Aren't you on a terminal.. uh, I mean a fourth year internship?"

I chuckled in my head when this question was asked of me a few weeks ago.

I had heard the term before. Terminal Internship. It is a phrase used for those of us who are doing internship last and not going back to seminary for a year prior to ordination.

It makes sense. This internship is terminal in the sense that it is the end of my time in seminary. I suppose the joke in it is that it is the end of life as I know it as well. Ok, who am I kidding, the joke is that it is the end of having any sort of life outside of the parish for which you work.

I get it. I do. Yet I have to confess that the reason I chuckled this time, was because I have always pictured something different when I hear this phrase.

I picture, not a hospital room or a sickness, or funeral, but rather an airport terminal. I see the business of travelers rushing to catch their flights to whatever destination they are going to.

For me that is exactly what this 'terminal' internship is. It is not a death, but a passing through. I am going through internship on my way to the next stop on my journey.

I love journeys, particularly the journey of life. (Hence the name of the blog!) Passing through an airport terminal is one of the highlights of any journey for me. The people, the excitement, the anticipation. Whether you are going or coming there is so much to look at, see, experience and anticipate.

The longer I have thought about it, the more I like this application for the word terminal in general. A terminal anything is what we are passing through on the way to our next destination.

Life then is terminal. It is a terminal. It is what we are passing through on our way to a more complete relationship with God.

Thank you to all of you who join me on this journey. I love you all and I am so glad that you are part of this terminal life.

Okay call me crazy, but I like Synod Assemblies.

They wear me out; I am a tried and true introvert after all. Yet I like them.

It's kind of like the church's version of Gilligan's Island just, sadly, without the tropical locale.

After all Gilligan's Island was meant to be a social statement, or question really; "What happens when you take a microcosm of society and strand them together on an isolated island?' Synod Assemblies have the same affect. After all we are taking a small percentage of the church as a whole and putting them together in a closed room for 2-3 days with minimal contact to the outside world. Of course then we throw in extra fun bonuses like trying to talk about difficult and controversial issues, and even make decisions on those issues.

Comparing it to Gilligan's Island, of course only applies when everyone, with their varying views, thoughts, agendas, hopes, and dreams, can find a way to get along and really love and respect each other.

There are times when it turns in to Survivor and two differing camps try to vote each other off the island, or at least out of the denomination. We have all seen this happen (even in other groups and meetings if you have never had the joyous opportunity to be at a Synod Assembly). Factions form. Alliances are made with people you normally would not associate with. Harsh words are spoken. Emotions run high. Before anyone is aware of what has happened, the people we all once gathered with to make the world a better place, have become part of the problem in the world of the church. All the snarling and infighting has closed us in and made us seem unwelcoming, distant, and not at all Christ-like. All because we let the 'prize', the reward of being the one 'right' way to think and be, become our sole focus.

However, even though this has happened at the assemblies I have been to at points, most of the time it is the easier (not easy, but easier) camaraderie of people from all walks of life learning how to relate to each other. Learning that the 'professor' will take for ever to figure out and analyze a problem, but that the information and solutions he comes up with will be invaluable. Seeing that the 'Howell's' may seem removed and snotty, but that they have hearts of gold and when they see what they can do to help, they will be beyond generous. We find out that 'Ginger' is not merely shallow and fake, but that her energy and vibrancy will help things be accomplished AND be well done (dare I say attractive to outsiders?). We see that the 'Captain' has leadership, that nothing would be possible without 'Mary Ann's' willingness to take care of people, and we see that 'Gilligan' can befriend anyone with his laid back attitude and open compassion.

At Synod Assemblies, we see that people do not always have to get along. We do not always have to agree. The 'right' way to do church is to not focus on one way, because that will ever be 'right' for all. We find the strengths of all cover the weaknesses of others. We find that voting people off the island only hurts the people who stay on the island.

Yes, I like Synod Assemblies. They give us a chance to see in detail and concentration, the colorful beauty of the whole church.

Balance

Recently I heard someone talking about balance. I have always been all about balance. I like balance. Balance between the far left and the far right. Balance between work and play. Balance between thinking you are good for nothing and thinking that you are the best at everything. These things are what we call being well-adjusted and healthy people. Balance is what I strive for everyday.

Yet this person, and I honestly can not remember who it was that was saying this or where it was that I was talking to this person, was saying that when it comes to a relationship with God we are automatically unbalanced. When it comes to a life lived as a disciple we will never be able to achieve balance. This is because God is so much greater than we are. We are receiving so much more in this relationship than God is. By the very nature of what we are and who God is, the entire thing is out of balance. So we should seek a middle ground in life, a center place between extremes, but we should embrace the imbalance that comes from a life lived as a child of God.

I have been pondering this this morning because I am feeling so out of balance today. Shaky, insecure, and a little frightened. Therefore the balance that I seek for in my life on a daily basis, seems to be gone.

Yet in this shaky world that I am wondering around in today, I recognize that it is the unbalanced relationship that I have with God that is still keeping me centered. I may be out of balance. I may be leaning more heavily on God than on myself today. (Let's face it even though I love and trust God I still like to rely on me to get through life. Stubborn pride apparently has not been something I have been able to loose in my quest for balance.) I may even be a little lost in my own thoughts. However, because God is so much more than I am, it is He that keeps me upright, that keeps me able to find the center.

Today I am resting on the unbalanced relationship that I have with God to keep me grounded. Silly me for ever thinking that I was the one finding balance. Really, when will I learn that all things are indeed possible through God but it is because God gives the strength to do them, and that I have really no control over it.

Well, like I said, stubborn pride.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through God who strengthens me.

I have planned to write an entry about how you know you are a rural pastor. I plan for it to be fun and reflective about some of the things I have learned here in Southwestern MN. Today I have learned about more to put on this list, but it is SOOOO very funny that I have to share it with you before my year is up and I write that list.

As I type this I am stuck in the mud of a minimum maitainance road waiting for a parishioner and her husband to come extract my half buried car from the muck. Now if I had only called for directions instead of googeling it I would have been fine. Or even if I had stopped at the turn off when I saw that it was not so much a road as a more packed lane of mud than the surrounding fields and called them I would have been fine. I had, however, forgotten to write down their number. So instead of calling other people to get it, I just figured I would get through it on my own.

I actually made it quite a ways with my tough little car, that was once white. Then I saw it. Looming ahead of me was a giant puddle. To this Arizona girl it looked more like a lake. I know enough to have known at the time that this was a bad sign. I tried to think of a way to turn around. But the ‘road’ was so deteriorated that I feared if I veered even slightly off of the previous tracks I would be stuck in a field. At this point I saw no options. So I inched forward.

BIG mistake! At the very least I should have backed up and built up some speed to try to get through it. Instead I inched and crawled, and then suddenly nothing.

Did I call anyone at this point? No. I am a strong intelligent woman and I have gotten myself unstuck before. So I tried to rock my way out by going back and forth.

Note to you all: this does not work in midwest-farm-field-early-spring-soggy-mud.

The only direction I moved was farther into the ooze.

So here I sit, shoeless because I stepped out of the car to try to see if I could get out and the mud ate my shoes. Literally I had to fight with the mud to get my foot out of one of the shoes and it disappeared below the service. I do not need it back enough to have actually dug for it.

So I gave up. I called Shalom Hill Farm and got the number for the members' whose house I was on the way too and called them.

Well now I see my hero coming. No knight in shining armor on a white steed for me, no chugging towards me are two farmers in rubber boots in a muddy tractor. I can live without the white knight! These guys are practical.

Gotta go....

So the saga was not quite over I learned. After hooking up a rope to my car I learned that my battery had died as I sat there with the radio on. They had to tow me all the way back to their farm. Oh, and the tractor was backwards because they would have gotten stuck trying to turn around also.

But the beauty of small town and rural life is that they hooked my battery up to a charger that they have in the garage and let it charge while we shared lunch and laughed over the whole incident.

I was just beginning to think I was starting to loose the ‘city girl’ aura!

Interwoven Community

Saturday was a example in the great variety of ways that community is built into our lives to be a blessing to us.

The ministry team had received word on Friday that a member was in critical condition up in Rochester. So early Saturday morning I set out on the three hour drive to visit and spend time with this member and his family. Now this is part of our job, part of what we are paid to do. I think, however, that people do not realize that in our ministering to them, they often minister to us as well. This was the case for me in visiting this man and his family.

By the time I arrived, he was doing much better, so the fear that had been clinging to his wife and son, had begun to unlatch it's hold. I was able instead to watch the way this family interacted. I was most struck by the beauty, elegance, and raw care that I saw in his wife's treatment. She was able to hold on to her strength and compassion with a patience that spoke directly to my heart.

I can hope that I brought them some amount of comfort. I know however that I left that room with a lighter heart and a refreshed view of marriage, family, and love.

When the visits I had were complete, I drove an extra hour to have dinner with a friend in the Cities. We sat talking about our lives, our future goals, our fears about the future, and where we saw God moving in our own lives as well as one another's. The weight on my shoulders that can come from 'handling' life alone fell away as we talked.

Friendship like this, so open, so honest and able to hold each other up while holding each other accountable, is such a blessing from God. It is also a reminder that we can not go through any journey completely alone. It is necessary to have people along for the ride. Plus it makes it so much more fun! I would not be able to make it through life, let alone internship without such friends!

After leaving the St. Paul, I decided to stop and get Starbucks for the road. (I have managed quite nicely with no coffee shop closer than 20 miles away and no Starbacks closer than Sioux Falls, but I never pass up an opportunity to visit one when such an opportunity exists!) As I ordered, my mind was racing towards Sunday morning and all that I had to do before it came. I was so tempted to just order and leave. But the barista showed her shock when I asked for an extra shot in my Venti Americano. I laughed and said that I had a long drive. We ended up talking for about 20 minutes. It was a simple conversation really, but her kind words replayed throughout my drive home, and my spirit was renewed in purpose through this casual encounter.

Community comes in so many shapes, colors, experiences, and faces. It is not just the people who live within a few miles of us. It is not just the people in the same church, or organization, or school.

Community is in the world, in every interaction that we have with God's creation. It comes in every smile, every word, gesture, and look that passes between the people we meet.

In the midst of all of this community there is ministry happening. Whether it is the ministry that fits into the mold, or the ministry that happens as friends simply act within that friendship, or the ministry that results when two strangers recognize God's presence in the other, it is ministry. It is the sharing of lives, of faiths, of spirit and of God's love.

Community and ministry are so tightly interwoven that at times, like Saturday, it is hard to recognize one without the other.

Thank God that it was not good for man to be alone. (Genesis 1)

Casual Interactions

During my time in Japan, I began to value the countless daily interactions with nameless people you pass in the store, or on the street.

I suppose that is a side effect of living in a situation that can be so isolated that those may very well be the only interactions you have with people.

The result was that I began to utilize every single potential interaction with another human being to its fullest capacity, learning that I can gain some sort of human companionship from the briefest exchange. I began intentionally making eye contact with strangers, offering a smile, and in Japan the ever so slight upper body bow that I had become accustomed to. I started taking advantage of the few words I knew to have a meaningless conversation with every sales clerk, shop keeper, and janitor I came into contact with, and they became some of the most meaningful conversations of my life.

I am glad to say that I brought this new attitude back home with me 5 years ago (5 YEARS!?!).

I have watched how this can affect the people I interact with. I have seen how it can brighten someone's day that a customer asks how his or her day is going. I have experienced the brightening of my own day when a complete stranger returns my smile and hello. However, I have also noticed that I am most often the one to initiate the contact, and that it almost always surprises others.

Yesterday though something was different. Yesterday it was I who was surprised.

I had several things to get done yesterday in town, one of which was to take one of our members around to do his various errands. I was on a bit of a tight schedule since I had to be back in time for our Lenten meal and service. I also have to admit that I was a little annoyed with the person I was helping (this may very well become its own blog update!). All of this to say that I was a little rushed and not as intentional as I usually am about these interactions.

Yet I began to notice through the County offices, the Post Office, the convenience store, and then Walmart, that people were greeting me, before I could greet them. Halfway through Walmart I really began to wonder about this. Especially as several people smiled and said hello.

As I passed through the produce section my ponderings were answered as an employee (who I do not know by the way) said, "Can I help you find something Pastor?" Ah, yes the clergy collar.

In my ever growing knowledge of life in a small community on the prairie I had learned that sometimes a quick trip into the larger town of Worthington (especially with this particular member and unreliable weather) can often end up being not so quick. So I had intentionally dressed for the entire day. I had forgotten however that I had slipped the collar tab into the blouse when I had dressed so that I would not leave it on the bathroom sink; again. I had intended to remove it, slip it into my purse, and un-button the top button so it only looked like I have no fashion sense. Instead I received a sociology lesson.

The people who greeted me so warmly were very genuine. I never once felt like it was a greeting out of obligation. It still showed a distinct difference. I suppose I could assume that it is because the position of pastor still has an authority figure essence to it so it commands a certain respect. I could assume that or a million other things.

I choose to see it as people embracing a reminder that God is present in their lives daily. The genuineness of people's warmth and kindness yesterday shows me that just the reminder that God is working in their midst, even while shopping or getting gas, makes them feel a little lighter, a little more free, and definitely more loved.

It certainly made me stop and reflect about how blessed I am to be called into this vocation.

Crack! Crunch. Schlup. Tink, tink, tink.

I love the sounds of breaking ice. I don't know why. Maybe it is the inner rebel in me loving the sounds of things being broken to bits. Whatever the reason I love it.

Today is this beautiful, bright and sunny day. I would not say it is warm exactly since the high was supposed to be 28, but the sun makes you feel warm anyway. I had to revel in the beauty so I took Nisswa for a walk.

It would be really hard to guess who was the most playful, the black lab who is still a bit puppyish, or me. She took every opportunity to run she could find, chasing any scent or imaginary animal she could detect beneath the abundant snow. Once we got out of town (which incidentally takes about 3 minutes if I take the long way) I let her off her leash to run, chase, dig, roll, and eat snow to her heart's content.

I, on the other hand, looked for every clear patch of ice visible so that I could stomp on it and make those delightful noises! Today the beauty of those noises was in the change from even just last week. Today they sounded much more like the spring cracking that you hear as the ice begins to melt under the power and intensity of the sun. Today each crack and crunch held the promise that the patch of ice would not remain ice for long. Even knowing that March may hold piles and piles of snow within its deceptive days, we can rest assured that the promise of Spring has been heard in the stillness and sunshine of today.

The storms of winter are behind me, and the storms of spring are yet to come, but for today I am reminded of Elijah hearing God in a still small voice after earthquakes, fires, and storms. For me, it was just a distinctive crunch, in the ice.

Winter Blues

For some unknown reason I feel compelled to share that I have been feeling a little blue lately. This is indeed a very odd reaction for me. I am one that tries to conceal these bouts of feeling down from all but a few people.

I never mean to be dishonest about who I am, but I have this compulsion to always show the happy, optimistic facet of who I am to the majority of people. Well, and to tell the truth, I have found that if I put the blues aside and show the happy, well-adjusted person I want to be, then it is easier to forget about the blue mood. In short I am able to lead myself into seeing a brighter side of life.

Yet here I am typing out my woes for anyone to read. In large part that is probably due to a news reporter I heard out of a Sioux Falls T.V. station talking about the large number of people who are in bad moods and dealing with the winter blues.

Wow! What a release. To know that I am not alone. Other people too are feeling a little down, a little cranky, and a little like they might bite someone's head off if that person were to look at you wrong. There is such power in knowing that you do not walk a path alone.

That knowledge helped me in another way as well. As many of you may know I struggle with depression and have been on an anti-depressant for a while. I have been doing very well with this and I have a good support group around me that helps a great deal. Yet still when I start to feel down or blue, there is always the fear that something is out of whack once again. So to hear that this is not just me, took a great deal of worry out of the equation. Once again that feeling of not being alone just set my mind at ease and helped me see that there is nothing wrong per say, I am just human.

So Why am I sharing this with so many people? Well it could be that I just feel the need to reach out to someone, and my normal support group people are, at minimum a 3 hour drive away, and most of the people I would talk to about it live a couple thousand miles away.

And why am I feeling this way? Hmm, well take your pick. It could be the loneliness eluded to above. It could be that I am ready for winter to come to an end, because let's face it even if you have a good attitude towards winter it still wares on you, and this has been a tough winter! Maybe it is that I haven't seen family in 6 months. Or it could be because in August I will be finished here and I will not have any idea what is next for me for at least 2 months. Maybe it is because my birthday is coming up and I always get a little blue before my birthday. Or it could even be that I am just an emotional girl and go through moods now and then. It could even be a combination of all of these things.

Hey, at least I know I am not reacting out of the norm. That list is enough to make even me give me a break!

I do assure you, there is no need to worry. I am doing well all around. Although I am really looking forward to March when I will be in Arizona for a week, surrounded by all of the family I can handle!

Esther's legacy?

I have been pondering the book of Esther lately. Especially the first two chapters. It really is a fascinating tale.

If you have never read it let me give you the highlights. A great and powerful king is having a huge party that lasts days. After a few days of drinking the kings decides he wants to show off his wife so he summons her. She tells him no. The king's advisors are horrified and the queen is then dismissed. So now the king doesn't have a queen. To rectify this there is a contest held. The most beautiful women in the area enter the contest, they have beauty treatments, are put in the best clothing, and are treated as future queens while living at the palace. Then they all go have an 'interview' with the king. The king then chooses the one who pleases him the most. The king chooses Esther, the heroine of the story.

This is a rough summary of the first 2 chapters. The rest of the story is wonderful and shows how God can work through the most difficult situations. I encourage you to read it.

But it is this part that has fascinated me lately.

I have had the pleasure of studying this book and the person of Esther in several classes. This part of the story always brings so much discussion and controversy. Who would ever do something like this?

I have heard more than once how wrong this is and how blessed we are to live in a time when this doesn't happen.

Really? This doesn't happen?

You mean there are not men out there who just get tired of there wives for some random reason and choose to find someone new? Really? I can think of a few politicians, actors, famous business men, and yes even sports icons who have done this very thing. Of course we do live in a time when women are able to do the very same thing, and some take full advantage of that fact.

And we wouldn't put a bunch of beautiful women in one huge house and have them vie for the attention of one man? Maybe not without a few T.V. cameras, a host, and a bunch of producers to call even more attention to it all. We can not forget however, that we are living in a time of equality of the sexes, so in the next season it will be a bunch of attractive men competing for one woman.

Yes, I have been reflecting on Esther. And the conclusion that I keep coming to is that we have not really changed so very much.

Well here it is February 1st.

Where does the time go? And the really scary part of it all is that January seemed long to me in the midst of it. Yet that was just an illusion, and time was blurring past me just as fast as ever. In fact today starts the sixth month of my internship.

As I am gearing up for all that the sixth month mark means for internship, I have been pondering the value of time. All of the mid-term evaluations will be completed this month, so in effect we will be determining the value of the time that I have spent here. This means trying to find a way to measure the success and value of what I am doing here.

There is no real quantitative or even objective way to truly measure my time here. There are certainly things we look at. A whole list of things with standards to measure them by. But nothing concrete. There is no tally I can look at and say, "Yes, I was successful because of X or Y."

Trying to figure this out makes me understand why some people keep track of things like the number of souls they have saved, or the number of confessions and promises of repentance they have received. It gives a concrete way to apply value to the time and work that a person has applied to a place. There are times when I long for this type of concrete evidence that what I am doing is worthwhile. Yet the number of lives that are touched during my time here or anywhere will forever remain a mystery to me. As it should.

I followed this path because I made a conscious decision to follow God. That means leaving the true value of my time up to God. My supervisor, intern committee, and I can all sit and reflect on the job I am doing. We can offer subjective responses to subjective questions. the true value of my time here though will be determined by God and by God alone. My guess would be that it will be measured over God's time as well.

This is one of the truths I have learned over my time of following God. We don't get to decide what is important and what is not. God does. When we try to make that decision, we end up with practices like counting saved souls, and flaunting our piety.

So as frustrating as it is I will never know the "results" of my time in Southwestern Minnesota. I do know that I am enjoying it, and I am growing. I know that it has helped me prepare for the road ahead. (Probably it has helped prepare me in ways that I will never even guess at!) I also know that I am grateful for this time, frustrations, times of loneliness, challenges, accomplishments, and all else that goes with it.

Challenge 3

Okay, admittedly, this last 'challenge' of my internship time is really more of a frustration, but the fact that it is an ongoing and seemingly endless frustration makes it a challenge.

Challenge 3 is having to continually face the uproar about what has become known as 'The Vote'. Now just in case you are not sure what 'The Vote' refers to, it is the social statement regarding sexuality and the statement regarding ordination of practicing homosexuals that were both voted on and passed at the ELCA church-wide assembly this past summer.

Now let me be clear about what is NOT part of the frustration or challenge for me. I am not frustrated if people have a different opinion than mine. I will say this much about my personal beliefs on the matter: if I were frustrated with or challenged by people around me having different opinions and beliefs than me on this issue (or a variety of others), I would have left the ELCA. I believe it is healthy and necessary to have many voices present. Can it be challenging to come together and be productive when there are differing opinions? Absolutely it is, but it is also the only way that all people will be included in the Lutheran body.

No, what I find vastly frustrating is how consuming this one, and I will upset a lot of people here, relatively unimportant issue has become.

It is challenging to hear so often about how wrong this is. It is frustrating to read a letter encouraging people to with-hold money from their congregation until 'the problem is fixed'. It is frustrating to have to put so much of my own energy and time into discussing an issue that is not furthering the ministry or mission of the church or even helping people with their own discipleship, and to watch all of the pastors I know do the same. It is frustrating to have one of the first questions asked of me by most of the people I talk to be, "So what do you think about this vote? What is your church going to do about it?' It is frustrating to think that this has been a consuming topic in ministry since before I went to Japan over seven years ago, and that I truly think it will be a consuming topic for the rest of my career. Mostly it is frustrating that it is taking the focus away from not only sharing the Gospel, but living the Gospel.

For me, the frustration can be pinpointed to the term, 'The Vote'. It is as if this was the most important thing to come out of this or any other Church-wide Assembly. There are many people who feel that the issue of human sexuality does hold a key in sharing and living the Gospel, and I suppose that it does. However, I truly think that anytime you focus on one thing, one issue, whatever it is, that you loose the fullness of the Gospel.

We are a people of God, not a people ruled by sexuality, or social statements. We are called to be DISCIPLES and to WITNESS to a world through our lives. That means our whole lives, not just one part of it.

There are no easy answers or solutions for this time in the ELCA. But after all that is part of being Lutheran. We as Lutherans are constantly caught in paradox. We believe in the sinner and saint, the justified while still being redeemed, and being freed from the law to be slaves of Christ.

I suppose the true challenge for me is to get used to having disruptions in the church like this, since I don't think the human desire to be 'the right one' will ever go away.

Challenge 2

One aspect of being a pastor in a multi-point parish that I had not counted on was having to arrange so much of my own time.

I suppose I just never thought about it. I mean teaching, especially in middle school, is very structured. There was maybe 5-8 hours a week that was not previously accounted for, and very often that would be taken over by one event or another. I never had enough unscheduled time to get all the planning, grading, research, mentoring, or prep-work done.

This is one way that my previous career left me not quite prepared for this particular role.

Other than some weekly meetings, and of course, Sundays, how I spread the work out during the week is up to me. For someone who has never been a great scheduler, this is a bit of a challenge. Making it even more interesting is having one day that is meeting intensive, and the other days are often completely blank and waiting for my scheduling abilities to take over.

This would be tricky on its own, but added to it is the fact that I work out of the house. There isn't really a central office. We have meetings at the various congregation's buildings, but each of us has an office at home.

Let's put it this way, having an office at home for me is like setting a ten year old in front of a a live sport game, a video gaming system playing his favorite game, and a box full of playing puppies and telling him (or her) to do homework. A child wouldn't even need to be ADD to be easily distracted.

Well that is me. Easily distracted. Did I turn the stove off? Are there still clothes in the wash? Oh, I forgot to put the trash out! All those questions that get shoved to the back of my mind when I get to work no longer have an opportunity to get placed in the back of the head.

Figure out a schedule for the week.

Figure out how to follow the schedule without getting distracted by being at home.

These two aspects of my internship would be cakewalk for many people. For me they are challenges. Not challenges that can not be handled or adapted to, but challenges just the same. add to it the sometimes overwhelming schedule of the parish and some days it takes me an hour or two to figure out what to do that day.

Yet that is what internship is for. To help each person figure out what he or she will have to be aware of in their own work life. Well I definitely will have to be aware that scheduling my own time is not something that comes naturally to me. I absolutely love it when there is so much going on in a week, that I am grasping every free moment to get the office and paper work done. That is how I function best. However I am learning to schedule my own time in a less distracting and more productive manner.

Challenge 1

"What has been the biggest challenge for you?"

This is the most common question that I have received from everyone about my internship. It seems everyone wants to know what has been difficult.

I suppose this is because when people ask me how the internship is going, I go on about how great it is. Now let me be clear. This does not mean that I do not have challenges from day to day. I promise that I am not living life looking through rose colored glasses and only seeing the positive. It simply means that I am learning a lot and enjoying the process of that learning. And yes that does indeed include challenges and difficulties along the way. However, I like to see those challenges in a positive way. They are after all part of how we learn and grow as people.

Yet there are three things that do take up a lot of energy and time. These are the things that can drag me down a little bit. They are still part of the learning process and have great results, but wipe me out emotionally, mentally, and physically.

The first of these challenges is the schedule. Okay, I admit it, schedules are always hard for me to adapt to. The more complicated a schedule is the harder it is for anyone to figure it out. That is normal. (I hope!) Believe it or not the schedule of a church has a lot more to consider than Sunday morning services and education classes. There are also mid-week Bible studies, youth events, visitation, and counseling, council meetings, committee meetings, various other events, and then any out of the ordinary occurrences from day to day. Realistically though this is no crazier than a school schedule. BUT, and yes it is a big but, that is for one congregation.

Prairie Star is an area parish with 5 congregations, and an education/retreat center. So there are five Sunday services and Sunday schools, 3 confirmation groups, 4 women's study groups, 5 council meetings, plus the Prairie Star council, various quilting groups, community Bible Studies, 4 area high schools, many different towns and town events, and that is not including anything that is going on at Shalom Hill Farm (the retreat center). It is enough to make my head spin, which it has been doing for several months now.

I am not complaining, mind you, merely sharing with you some of the ins and outs of rural ministry. This is what any Pastor serving more than one congregation experiences. I have simply not completely adjusted to it yet.

Do I like it? Absolutely!

Is it exhausting? Beyond belief!

Is it worth it? More than I could ever explain.

(More to come on the other two challenges!)

Winter Surprises

My first experience with the true surprise of winter was last November on a retreat for my worship class.

I was prepared for the cold 10 degree day that had been forecasted. I was layered and bundled and had extra clothes in the car just in case. I was a little excited actually because it would be the first day I would get to wear the new down coat I had bought on clearance earlier that year.

While I was loading the car that morning, I noticed an odd sensation, almost like a building sneeze, but after rubbing my nose the sensation was gone and I was busy and afraid of being late so I thought nothing of it. Later that day as the class moved from one building to the next, the strange sensation would occur again and again. It was as the sun was setting that I finally caught on to what I was feeling.

You see in Minnesota, (and I am sure various other places as well) breathing in the winter is dangerous to one's health. The air gets so cold, that when one breathes in through the nose, the air instantly freezes said nose's hairs. There is no real worry that first time because the hairs defrost again during the exhale, if the exhale is done through the nose of course. By the third time air has been pulled through the nose though, even the tiniest amount of snot that may have been present has now been freeze-dried and has become thin little flakes that tickle the nose as air is sent out. At this point the nose is being tickled upon breathing in because it is being frozen, and upon breathing out because of these paper thin flakes of freeze-dried snot. It is quite the experience let me tell you.

But wait there is more! After the 5th or 6th attempt to breathe, the body has begun to rally to the nose's defense. This defense is that liquid rushes into the nasal cavities. I suppose this keeps the delicate skin from becoming frostbitten, however it also means that the nose begins to drip and leak like a faucet that has been unattended in a dank cold, basement for fifty years. A normal person's reaction is to sniff. So now there are frozen nose hairs and lots of frozen snot in the nose. A moment of this and soon it becomes difficult to breathe through the nose.

What to do? One has to breathe. (I have tried avoiding this compulsion. Sadly it does not work.) So again nature takes over and one opens the mouth and takes a breath. Fabulous. Freeze-dried lungs. So breathe through your scarf nimrod, that's what real Minnesotans do! One might think to one's self.

Ahhh. Finally a normal breath! All is well.

...Until the moisture from the breath begins to collect in the scarf and work its way through the layers to the other side. Once it has reached the other side of the scarf and touches the air, the scarf begins to freeze.

Plus, now the nose is really leaking and it and the lip are so numb from the air that one can't tell that it is escaping the nose and freezing to the upper lip.

Of course it is hard to tell by this point if it is snot frozen to the face, or if it is the tears that have been forcing their way out of wind tortured and half frozen eyes.

Trust me, by the time one gets back into the warmth of a 60 degree room one thinks, All that to get the mail?

***The intention of this is to find humor in the reality of harsh winters. I promise I am doing well and my nose, eyes, and lips are still all functioning properly!